Saturday, May 12, 2007

The Nutcracker Man

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

“OH 5… is a fossilized skull… It was discovered…by Mary Leakey in 1959. It is estimated to be about 1.8 million years old”.

OH 5 was also known as Zinj, or the Nutcracker Man, for reasons best known to Mary Leakey, who discovered him, or at least dug up his bones.

Leakey and her husband, Richard, often appeared as guest stars on the Discovery Channel. They frowned thoughtfully while watching the little people do the actual digging. The Leakeys were a jealous bunch. They often elbowed Jane Goodall aside when she was carrying on about her monkey friends.

For them, Early Man (and Woman) took precedence over the chimps. Mr. Leakey was particularly sensitive about monkey pictures. It was rumored that his morals were no better than the chimps.

The Leakeys aside, Nutcracker Man left pictures of a different kind. Cave wall drawings. He seemed to have been chased by Early Woman, who had only one thing on her mind: getting Early Man out of the house.

It is clear from the surviving pictures—they were freeze dried—that Nutcracker Man often wanted to stay inside and brood about his troubles, which he couldn’t do if Early Woman continued to talk to him.

One panel of drawings showed his thoughts: Why, oh why, did women like to talk so much? Why couldn’t they just go to the mall and leave him and his friends alone?

In addition to drawing, Nutcracker Man seemed to have the gift of seeing the future in visions. He had a sense that he was suffering through the Ice Age just so his descendants could talk on cell phones. It was terribly unfair.

On one occasion (1.8 Million B. C., give or take a few days) he drew a picture with captions to cheer himself up (he was hoping to be syndicated.)

He was inspired by a vision of a time far, far away. He read a captain’s log that appeared in a slow-moving crawl: The Return of the Weirdly Dressed Beings, Chapter VII, or Love Will Find a Way.

He was then distracted by a competing vision that took him to Dodge City. Matt and Kitty were at the Long Branch, smoking L & M’s.

Next CNN reported the latest news, but he tuned it out. He realized he was lucky that all he had to worry about was being eaten by animals or starving to death. His day would never be ruined by higher gas prices or the fear of global warming.

But within a few minutes he had to give it up his happy reverie, as his Woman seemed to be nagging him about something. She was talking and following him around their two-bedroom cave.

Nutcracker Man decided to go out, even though blizzard warnings were in effect. He had no choice. He was out of cigarettes.

It felt good to be out in the storm—man against Nature. He stopped mid-way to the convenience store and admired the snow-laden trees. They might have been whispering sweet nothings to him except a gale force wind drowned them out.

Despite the near blizzard conditions, a little bird landed on his shoulder and radioed the tower for instructions. He was in route to Brazil. He dipped his wings, as he headed south. This brief encounter caused Nutcracker Man to see a tiny bird somewhere in time who appeared to be best friends with a Beagle.

He began working on a caption for the birdie picture as he walked. He took time to consult his day planner. Will draw this Friday, he thought, as the Woman has Girls’ Night Out.

Oh, peace and quiet. He loved the Woman, but he needed space. A man couldn’t be hunting and fishing 24/7; he had to have a little down time in his cave.

Tomorrow is another day, he thought. He looked into the future and saw Scarlett O’Hara. She appeared to be crying and eating dirt.

He thought of a new picture and caption: “As God as my Witness, I will never be hungry again!” He hurried home to find a post-it note, not even taking time to get his cigarettes.

As he ran through the snow, he caught a glimpse of Margaret Mitchell at her typewriter, swooning over Clark Gable. She would never know that he had met Scarlett O’Hara nearly two million years earlier.

Nutcracker Man, Early Time Traveler!